The Blog
Recent presentation on Anger and its effect on relationship
Recently presented on Anger and its roll in relationship to the Divorce Support Group at University Presbyterian Church in Seattle.
Steve Elde, Pastoral Care Associate of UPC shares;
“With his insights and his understanding of how people react to emotions in relationships, Joseph has brought truth, love and freedom to people in our divorce recovery workshops. He brings an authentic compassion into every relationship.”
Thank you Steve!
Without connection no real progress in therapy is possible.
As an Emotion Focused Therapist my first and perhaps most import task is to create a trusted connection between myself and my clients. Without a trusted connection no real progress in therapy can be made. This video from the Cleveland Clinic so poignantly captures this I am moved to share it.
Trapped in the “Spin Cycle!”
We all know what it feels like to have emotion take over. We or our partner becomes too assertive, or conversely withdrawn. We have just entered the “spin cycle.”
In the “spin cycle,” pursuers ramp up their efforts. At first they attempt to use logic, reason, intellect. When this doesn’t work they turn up the volume. Their tone changes. They become increasingly frustrated. Become overwhelmed. They can begin to get truly angry. In the extreme, temper is lost, rage can emerge. Crying, yelling, sobbing follows. Sadly, violent behavior may also happen. Dishes can be thrown across the room. Pushing can happen. With all circuits blown they or their partner may strike out. For the majority of couples caught in “spin cycles,” violent behavior is the sad result of emotion and behavior run amok, and not a more pernicious pattern of domination and control.
Conversely, those that avoid the expression of emotion retract from confrontation. They pull back. They too are overwhelmed. Nothing can be said that makes the pursuing partner back off. Withdrawers shut down, pull away, leaving their anxious pursuing partner fuming and flummoxed. At times withdrawers attempt to engage. Just one example of engaging may be the the use of sarcasm. Other defensive mechanisms are employed. Non-effectively. Truthfully, the withdrawing partner is also fuming and flummoxed. Not knowing how to respond, how to react, how to protect themselves they then shut down. Often I will hear them say “I can’t deal with you, you just got so worked up, speaking with you is next to if not impossible. ” Pursuers offer, “If they would just listen to what I am saying!” “I am not able to reach him/her!” Pursuers unable to effect connection or understanding give-up. They storm off or sulk away.
When caught in this spin cycle, and unable to effectively regulate their emotion, there is very little that either the anxious pursuer or the avoidant withdrawer can do for themselves or their partner that effectively solves this toxic dance.
Pursue-withdraw is the classic dance of relationship disconnection. Different, more complex, dance cycles exist. The very hot pursue-pursue, or the very shutdown withdraw-withdraw, or the truly vexing “come here, get away.” No matter the pattern, the inability to know and share emotion begins with a lack of self-awareness. A lack which truthfully has its origins in childhood. In relationship this lack unfortunately translates into relational diaster.
Do you feel trapped in your own “spin cycle?” Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) can help you and your partner break free. It has been shown to be effective approximately 75% of the time in assisting couples in breaking free from this negative cycle. Effective EFT helps couple produce new interactional cycles that pull for connection and engender relationship satisfaction.
A short summary of the effectiveness of EFT is available here:
http://www.iceeft.com/EFTResearch.pdf
How do we “let go?”
I am coming to learn, sometimes the hard way, that it is very difficult to “let things go!” For me to let something go, I must first feel, feel, feel…the pain in order to heal the pain. Denying pain, sorrow, hopelessness, disconnection can work for a long time. We see all the time just how long we can be in denial. Yet, when we have to come to grips with the pain our hating, our anger, our rage, our accusations, our resentment, our bias has caused, perhaps then we will be ready to “let it go.” How will we come to know the pain caused by our own denials?
Moments of Change in Emotion Focused Couples Therapy
My thought on blogging is to not to write long entries that demonstrate my wisdom as an EFT Couples and Individual Therapist, but to offer, on occasion, some of the simple and profund truths that emerge during key change moment as I work with couples and individuals. Here is one;
A few days ago a wife who came into therapy as a member of a couple that had developed a very volatile fearful cycle, over the course of their 18 years together, turned and said to her husband, “Ya know I have realized that before I check to see how you are doing, that I should actually be checking with myself. I should be asking myself, “how I am doing?” Yeah…I get it. I’ve been scared to share with you my own anxiety, so instead I check to see how you are doing in an attempt to calm us, calm myself down. Now I know that checking with you has often put you on the defense.”
Creating the safety for a couple to share what has previously been too dicy to share is a core goal of EFT.
I’ll have more on simple change moments in Emotion Focused Therapy in a week or so….whenever a simple and powerful one emerges I’ll try and share it.
I also try and offer them on my FaceBook Professional Page. You can find that page here:
https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipTherapy
Warmly,
Joseph
Helping our loved ones – Helping ourselves!
I recently studied with Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., a leading clinician and researcher on Trauma/PTSD and chronic relational trauma, to which many of us are exposed in childhood.
A core takeaway: help your friends, family and loved ones “calm down” with non-judgmental, non-defensive listening and empathy. Stay back from “fix-it.”
As an Emotion Focused Therapist, I wholeheartedly endorse Bessel’s viewpoint. Not hard to understand, often challenging to do!
Joseph